MIA

I know I have been MIA for a couple days, I couldn't stand the thought of staring at the walls and thinking about everything, I didn't want to spend the holiday alone, albeit not a holiday like Christmas or thanksgiving but still a holiday, so I loaded up the kids, my sister n law, my nephew, and her friend Jody and we spent Saturday and Sunday at the river floating and swimming, as well as today. Monday and Tuesday were rough for me but i managed to get my house pretty well cleaned and some what organized. I did do each task for my 30 day challenge, I just didn't post about it, I figured that part would be ok if I missed. So I will be posting days 2 thru 7 in the next 2 days, so that my posting is all caught up. I have learned a lot and come face to face with many demons. I am accepting that, that Chapter of my life is closed for good, I do not want another chapter like that to be opened, I am going to focus on me. I have for a long time (since I was a lot younger) felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone, that I was worth any ones "real" love, and I thought that, that was why I never felt it; but in the last several days I have learned that for some of those that have passed through my life this feeling was true. I now see that it wasn't their lack of love, it was inability to allow someone to have that kind of control over me, the power to crush my entire world. This happened a few times in my past, the first was when I lost my grandmother (my one true best friend), she was everything to and for me, my rock, my shoulder, the voice of reason, everything. I had never at that time EVER loved anyone as much and as purely as I did her. She is the woman that showed me that when she couldn't be there I could turn to and trust in God. I wanted (still do) to be just like her, the epitome of love and kindness. The 1 person who I knew could love with every fiber of her being, and without condition, but I also saw what other people did not. The things I saw had more of an effect on me then I knew, actually to be completely honest I didn't think they had an effect at all until I started this challenge and really dug deep.

I have been to many counselors, therapist, psychologists, and I had heard the same thing. They all told me that my inner turmoil was a result of my father being absent my entire life (to this day). That I in some way had not come to terms with this and the anger I had towards him. I didn't accept that answer, I knew there was something else, something that not even they had figured out. When I talked about my father I didn't feel anger, or emptiness, or really anything. I am sure that there are feelings about him that I have buried that through this process of self discovery I will come face to face with and have to put to rest, but it was something more and they couldn't give me answers. So me being me, I didn't go back.

I have figured out one of those things all on my own, and the sad part is that it took loosing someone I cared so much about for me to find the bravery or determination to dig past that to find what may be hidden underneath. . . .

Now I am trying to find a way to come to terms with it, to put that demon to rest once and for all, but that is what this journey is all about. Finding the ME that I was intended to be, and I think I am ok that I am alone in it, because those that never wanted to help or look past all the walls and barriers that I have erected in an effort to keep myself safe are going to miss out on the MOST amazing person any of them have ever met.

Day 1, My self Assessment (continued)

Ok so for today's task I was to do a self assessment. So here goes nothing,

First I was supposed to rate myself from 1 - 10, well I gave myself a 2, for step 2 I was to tell why I gave myself this rating.


I rated myself a 2 because I am no where near being at my full potential, I want to be that warm fun loving person that everyone wants to be around and always want to talk to. I want to see joy and happiness in everything, and always have a smile on my face that isn't forced, but instead of being that person, I am alone for the most part, my friends are few and far between. I complain all the time and always find fault in damn near everything and everyone. I have lost myself somewhere along the way and have built up walls to guard myself from pain and suffering, and all the while only making every task, all the way down to the smallest daily task a struggle. I hardly smile and when I do I think most of the time it's forced or faked. I do not like who I have become and the fact that I hide the true me under such a hard exterior never allowing anyone close enough to get a good glimpse at who I am. I push away the people who love me the most, I spend more time trying to be someone I am not to please other people without having the slightest idea what the person is they want me to be. I have ended up hating myself more then anyone should. I want to love me and be loved for me and to that I need to let out that side of me that I have hidden away under lock, key, chain, steel, and any other hard barrier imaginable.

The next step was to identify my undesirable traits, and let me tell you I have more then 5, so here is my list (which I am sure I could add more too but my brain stopped)

Aggressive, Aloof, Envious, Approval Seeking, Attention Seeking, Egoistic, Negative, Obsessive, Suspicious, Tactless, Temperamental, Unapproachable, Defensive, Demanding, Insecure, Self Hating, Selfish, Low Self Worth.

So that is my list, and I am sure like I said I could have added more but my brain stopped working, and some of the ones on my list meant the exact same thing, some there now are similar but I left off the ones with meant the same.

Then I was supposed to put them in 3 category, each alike trait together, and here is what I came up with, (now if I have one out of place I am sorry)

Group A: Aloof, Insecure, Self Hating, Suspicious, Negative

Group B: Aggressive, Tactless, Temperamental, Defensive, Demanding

Group C: Anxious, Envious, Approval Seeking, Attention Seeking, Egoistic, Obsessive, Selfish

Now step 4 was to pick out the top 3, I chose the main one from each group, I feel by doing it this way I have my bases covered to improve every area of my self.

My top 3 are, Insecurity, Aggressiveness, and Selfishness

So with day 1's task finished, I am eager for day 2, I am ready to start the hard stuff.
I feel so much lighter if you will after this task, it was very hard and emotional to admit that I had these traits, to admit that other people were right. I have an inner battle about this because no one likes to admit their faults or weaknesses, I know I don't but by doing it I felt as tho a weight had  been lifted, as if I could breath easy because I was no longer trying to fool myself or anyone else, it was a demon that was hard to faith but empowering in the long run and I am excited to see what the next day will hold and to see the changes this journey will bring to my life.

Tune in tomorrow for day 2!

Day 1, My Self Assessment

Step 1: Self Assessment.

So day 1's task is a self assessment, you start this task by rating yourself from 1/10 on where you think you are with the ideal person you want to be, 1 being far away, 10 being perfect aligned. Now you have to be very honest with yourself about this, because if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with, and a low rating doesn't mean that you don;t like yourself it just means you have further to go to become all you can be and that you have more room for growth.


Step 2: Evaluate your score.

Now you need to evaluate the score you gave yourself in step 1, if you have a 2 or a 5 or even a 10, why do you feel that way. Be as specific as possible, this task is about making yourself aware of the things about yourself that are holding you back, this is not about hating yourself and running yourself down. It is all about enlightenment and facing the things you want to change, no more denial about it.

Step 3: Identify your undesired traits.

Make a list of the undesired traits that you have and want to work on, the list can be as long as you want it, but you need to be honest about it. If you can't be honest, even if its just every now and again that you demonstrate a certain trait, it is still present just waiting for the right moment to rear its ugly head. No one is going to judge you for what is on your list. I, myself commend those that can and will be completely honest about this, it isn't easy to admit that your not perfect and to point out the flaws in yourself.

When you have finished compiling your list, you need to put them into groups, alike traits with alike traits, you should have at least 3 groups but you can have more if you need to.

Step 4: Pick 3 of the most undesired traits.

These 3 traits can be the 3 you have the most problem with, I am going to pick the biggest one from each group, each group is grouped with alike traits, so mine will be the 3 (1 out of each group) that I struggle with the most.

Once this is done you should reflect later about what you have discovered about yourself, and truly think about the potential you have and where you want to be as a person. Embrace your flaws and commit to improving those areas that you are not happy with.

To be continued . . .