MIA

I know I have been MIA for a couple days, I couldn't stand the thought of staring at the walls and thinking about everything, I didn't want to spend the holiday alone, albeit not a holiday like Christmas or thanksgiving but still a holiday, so I loaded up the kids, my sister n law, my nephew, and her friend Jody and we spent Saturday and Sunday at the river floating and swimming, as well as today. Monday and Tuesday were rough for me but i managed to get my house pretty well cleaned and some what organized. I did do each task for my 30 day challenge, I just didn't post about it, I figured that part would be ok if I missed. So I will be posting days 2 thru 7 in the next 2 days, so that my posting is all caught up. I have learned a lot and come face to face with many demons. I am accepting that, that Chapter of my life is closed for good, I do not want another chapter like that to be opened, I am going to focus on me. I have for a long time (since I was a lot younger) felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone, that I was worth any ones "real" love, and I thought that, that was why I never felt it; but in the last several days I have learned that for some of those that have passed through my life this feeling was true. I now see that it wasn't their lack of love, it was inability to allow someone to have that kind of control over me, the power to crush my entire world. This happened a few times in my past, the first was when I lost my grandmother (my one true best friend), she was everything to and for me, my rock, my shoulder, the voice of reason, everything. I had never at that time EVER loved anyone as much and as purely as I did her. She is the woman that showed me that when she couldn't be there I could turn to and trust in God. I wanted (still do) to be just like her, the epitome of love and kindness. The 1 person who I knew could love with every fiber of her being, and without condition, but I also saw what other people did not. The things I saw had more of an effect on me then I knew, actually to be completely honest I didn't think they had an effect at all until I started this challenge and really dug deep.

I have been to many counselors, therapist, psychologists, and I had heard the same thing. They all told me that my inner turmoil was a result of my father being absent my entire life (to this day). That I in some way had not come to terms with this and the anger I had towards him. I didn't accept that answer, I knew there was something else, something that not even they had figured out. When I talked about my father I didn't feel anger, or emptiness, or really anything. I am sure that there are feelings about him that I have buried that through this process of self discovery I will come face to face with and have to put to rest, but it was something more and they couldn't give me answers. So me being me, I didn't go back.

I have figured out one of those things all on my own, and the sad part is that it took loosing someone I cared so much about for me to find the bravery or determination to dig past that to find what may be hidden underneath. . . .

Now I am trying to find a way to come to terms with it, to put that demon to rest once and for all, but that is what this journey is all about. Finding the ME that I was intended to be, and I think I am ok that I am alone in it, because those that never wanted to help or look past all the walls and barriers that I have erected in an effort to keep myself safe are going to miss out on the MOST amazing person any of them have ever met.